Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in ravenshadowstar's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005
11:40 pm	^^ sorry for the lack of updates, i always forget mainly becus ei have like one reader and i tell everyone else things via messinger. I am however going to be making my own skirt very soon The base of the outfit would be a short skirt that fell midway to the knee maybe abit longer and shorter, preferably black or white. Then I want to get a sheer vibrent pink fabric to go over it. Now the sheer pink peice would fall at an angle, longer on one side then the other, like if the short end ends at half way tp the ankle, i want the other side to go to the ankle. I do want to make it into a single peice however the way i propose this is to sew it into the hem line of the skirt, but i thought, if it was suppose to look like one peice and you could see the end of the pink fabric it would pull them aprt but i did not want to have it look like it was coming out from incide the skirt eather. So i want to make the fabric around the hem a darker non sheer pink so that it looks as though thats how the hem should be. My main fear is that the outfit will look to dressy, i wnat it to be casual but unique, somthing i can wear to the mall. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Also we had to sepperate my two cockateils becuse the female kept laying infertile eggs so now she is in one cage and the two males are naging in the slightly larger cage. The Female who i names shanoah lol after me, is such a sweet bird but she simply wnated nothing to do with the eggs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also well shopping i bought a really cute necklace, with a cubic zarconia stone in it, its cute and the first thing i have worn around my neck jewelery wise that i ahve not felt like it was gonna strangel me. lol i struggle everyday not to go to the mall. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
7:08 pm	yea yea so im bad at updateing, its not like anyone but you care reads this thing lol, anyway about the only exciting thing thats happoned is that my bird, is laying eggs, which is cool but bad for a few reasons. 1) it lowers her calcium deposits 2) they can get eggbound which would be fatel here as my father would never take her to a vet. 3) baby birds are just hard to take care of, and im pretty sure the one she is having will be a live one becuse shes real grouchy. anyhow i got the dress i bought and it is lolvely, its so pretty. and it fits me very very well, all and all im quite happy with it, just wish it was easier to wear, its a bit to formal for nomal wear. I also bought my grandmother a few Beta fish the other day, she loved them. Shes the only lady i know who can make a carivel fish last 4 years. sorry for the lack of updates (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
8:44 pm	today havent done much today went to school and im not so sue how well i did on our final, the teacher was taking away 3 pts for every question you had to ask and i ahd to ask atleast 3 or 4 and skipped a part ehich was worth 10 pts so im looking at low 81 to high 70s. Ill be happy if i pass the course though im increaseing growing unconfadent in my abilatys as a networing agent though from what i here, the feild is quite diffrent. I bought some tops the other day, a black tank and two long sleeved shirts, which fit me very well, i lvoe them all but i like the shirts best, i have a purple one and a blue one though i like how the blue looks on me far far better. Their soft and very comfertable, though i did not realzie i was buying 2 of them, i had really only meant to grab one and so i spent a bit more then i had meant to. So now i have to focus on my face mostly and making that apssibble which will be beound diffacult but im hoping to enlist the aid of some freinds ive met, mainly my gay freind Jeremy and my counceler kelly, both awsome people. Anyway here are the pics i took of me in the tops, i know i dont look that good but i tried http://pictures.sprintpcs.com/share.do?invite=TE5r4B2iP852xk08ULjh&shareName=MMS The chinese dress i bought should be here in less then a week iim so excited but i just dont know wear i can wear it i mean its a formal dress and well lets face it my family wont be into letting me go to a formal event as a girl. So wearing it will be hard, but oh well, its pretty atleast. i wnat to start wearing nailpolish to school but first i ahve to figur eout how to remove it before coming home from school. well talk to ay next time (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 12th, 2005
5:21 am	Lately ive sone nothing but boost my confadence then destroy it and im getting kinda stressed out to. Plus the more pictures i see of men dressed as women the more i beleive i can never look like a good looking female. I mean i have never seen a transgender pic, pre=op that looks just like a girl. And that scares me becuse i wnat to be an atractive girl, the kind men will want, though i see myself as a lesbien anyway, its nice to have that kind of attention. I orderd my dress today, a beautiful pink chinese dress, im hoping it fits becuse im tall and all ><, its gorgous and i love the color, but im starting to think maybe the black would have suited me better, i mean i know i wnat to avoid black becuse every one wears so much of it, and maybe its the model but wow. Those models, they set a high platou to get to, their gorgous, makes me realize i could never have been a model. Their flawless and im just me....... Ive smoked more pot then useual to help deal with my issue, but the best thing thats happoned and helped was my two new freinds. Kira and Rage. I met Rage first, she is fun, helpful and intresting but she is hard to contact outside of the public chats, and since i prefer private chat its a bit hard. But she has a cute voice and has been awsome to me, not my type but as i said gorgous voice and very pretty. Kira, i just met her, shes very nice and seems older then she is personality wise, another pretty voice and beautiful girl. I talk with her alot becuse shes useually able to talk in private chats and shes even offerd to help me with my makke up, seeing as i tought myself and prolbely do makeup like a quadropelegic ape with seizures. My mom still doesent see why i cant live without my dad and other knowing i wnat to be female and dress female only to go to the clubs that mainly have my type. I fear she will never understand and this make her much less then helpful. Life is driving me nuts as well im forgetting ima guy for long periods and then realzeing im male suddenly get depressed. *sighs* I would love to be a modal but i know that will never happon, they dont wnat people like me for normal modeling jobs, only to laugh at when we try and fail. I have such a desire to whare make up right now, espeshelly nail polish and im wondering if i can pull some lipgloss off. oye i dought it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 24th, 2005
7:39 pm	forgetting im starting to forget to post in this thing again >< anyway i have started watching Winx club alot, its a really cute show and i enjoy it alot, i just wish to see it from the beginning now. Its about fairies training to sue their powers to fight the evil witches whose job it is to make chaos. All and all ive been ok lately, its been pretty uneventful really, ive been missing care-chan but other then that not much has happoned. Im glad care is back though, i missed talking to her soo muuh ^^ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
8:54 pm	back well im back, well actually i got back yesterday but, who counting ^^. Anyhow i ahd alot of fun on my trip to canada though their signs are confuseing and poorly marked on their highways. Canada over all has alot of very nice people like care and the guys who live with her. their each very nice ^^ Im really glad i met care, i just wish i hadent been in the middile of one of my waves when i did so, it was hard to keep it confined. Well im going to try and get some new clouths soon, i just wish i was a bit braver. Im in some more rpgs so im hopeing that will help. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
8:56 pm	another well today was as normal cept work got anoying becuse the guy before diddent do his job so i ahd to make up for his lazy ass. Oh well work went fast so thats always a plus, haveint really done much today though. 4 days untill i go to care chans, she made me so happy the other day as well becuse i found out she thought of me as a girl, which meant alot to me becuse i care for her so much. But other then that i looked through my clouthing supplys and found i really need to buy some new clouths. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
5:08 pm	been awhile again well their really hasent been much to say, so i havent posted much. Ive been playing alot of growlancer, an rpg i bought recently, im feeling sick as well, my head feels funny and i feel as though im close to pukeing alot. Just counting down the time i go to cares, about 6 days, nearly 5 already. All in all i live a pretty boring life i think lol. I have been talking alot to a close freind i consider a sister though, me and her talked for like 7 hour between 2 days, it was really really nice ^^. Im dtill hateing this body and wishing to get rid of it. Um sorry cant think of anything else, if you have questions ask. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
8:24 pm	sorry sorry i havent updated in a few days. a wave hit me a few days ago, it was strong, one of the stronger ones i have felt in awhile, after depriving of much sleep for two days, i thought it might be over, but i realized what happoned. It as it has before simply envelloped me. I realized this becuse the way i think abot things shifted suddenly. Today i cought myself looking at the girls coming into the store, not with bad intentiones but acess what they were wearing. Prolbely the worst thing i saw was this green skirt a lady was wearing, the fabric looked cheap and the design on it further worsend things, in fact it made her waist look twice as large. Also i have been having alot of trouble remembering i possess a male body, and when i do it raises anger within me and self hatred for the body i have now. As for other news, well ive been working on my stories and rping alot, and Thx to Care-chan i am making a fox anthro char ^^, Care is a panther, Blaze is a wolf and im a fox, personally i feel like lunchmeat to them now lol, a poor littile fox in the midst of large prediters, well atleast im the cutest of the three animals ^^, and the fur and bushy tail are nice to. In space empires i am the dominent power......just gotta wipe out the lasy two rivals. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 23rd, 2005
10:30 pm	and the exile continues well i woke up feeling like i was going to throw up, but i got past that but my heads been weird all day. I woke up in a bad mood mentally and it diddent help when i saw this one guys tatoo at work. He had a baby skalaton on his leg, which reminded me of abortion and i started to think that might have been the solution for me and that i would have been grateful had it been done. But i got a bit better when one of my managers said i did a good job a couple nights ago. I cought a littile flack for talking to blaze for like 20 minutes but i don care ^^. I have been playing alot of my space empires game. Im still in first but my ships ages are starting to show, no longer can 2 devistate a group of 12. my mirror still isent fixed >< My mental issue has been really bad today, i managed to keep it under controll. Also im still trying to get into this RP place some of my freinds are in but the palce wont validate my acount > (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
11:50 pm	wheeee well not much going on today, dad got mad at me but as useual argued with my mom about it instead of adressing me on the issue. I watched one of my beta eat some bug as well, it took him like 6 tries lol. My rearveiw mirrior fell off today so i have to reatch it tomarrow. The dogs zonked on Blazes old bed. Also i learned my car makes it pretty far when on E. I got atealt 10 miles out of it ^^ Ive been playing space empires 3 most of the day, im in first in the game ^^. Though my oponents are beginning to get technoligy that is making them much tougher. i have my female cockateil on my shoulder now, shes so sweet when away from the others, with them shes a bit more flightly. She is the only one of the three we have who lets you pet her as much as ya wnat. I have also consumed alot of Pepsi today, not sure why just really craving it even more then normal. I have been lisning to alot of evanesence lately as well ^^. Well this entry looks more like a a breif report on somthing lol. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
12:34 pm	The road to nowhare Well Blaze moved into his new place, after we did an awful lot of running around today becuse we could not find the cable place to get his modem. We found it though but it was kinda frustrateing, im praying i have enough gas till tomarrow. I have been reflecting alot today and realized, i have lost contact with the majority of my old circle of freinds, eather through betrayel or just loseing touch with them, but its ok i have met a numbe rof wonderful freinds, all girls but anyone who knowes me wont find that very starnge at all. The most recent of these being a girl named care, who is incredabully strong, and just a plain wonderful person all together. She is a source of comfort and happynesss, also her faverite color is the same as mine Pink. ^^, i am very grateful Blaze introduced me to her. I also met two other girls i began talking to them frequently becuse of forums i went to, but soon dicoverd they were great, honest and trusting people, the first a girl i know as fairy, though me and her havent talked in a few days but she seems really busy lately. The other Julzy, a girl who i have been talking to almost dayly, she is a wonderful girl who is quite strong and really really careing, i really wish i had somone like her by me. it would do wonders. Story News Becuse of my new story i have been working on a Race i call Icinnia's religen but im not quite sure how to design it, but im sure i will get it soon. As for the novell i have well under way, well im starting to wonder of theirs to much fighting in it, but i always worrey about my storys, every detail of them, every day. Mental news My mental condition is under control today, though im wondering id it is not somhow causeing the pain in the back of my head or if im not just blaming everything upon it. I have been having urges to do things like paint my nails and to try curling my hair, but for obvious reasos i can not. well i can do my toe nails but then i have to hide them all the time, and right now its summer, so its tough to hide it all the time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 20th, 2005
7:08 pm	another day, another day well today started out odd, for one the hardrives we were given at school wont work in the one lab, so we have to change labs starting next week. Becides that i just tried to think as littile as possible today, the more i think the more i dwell, and swelling is just no good. I played alot of magic today, and won most of the games i played in, once with an overwhelming amount of fungus and once with my golums and mass destruction. all in all it seems like im going nowhare, like im tlaented in nothing, though at times i feel im good at writing i often wonder..... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 19th, 2005
9:15 pm	LJ #2, From the ashes of its sister Well today started out odd, i sleapt longer then i useually do, i useually get like 5 hours, i got over 10 last night and woke up drowsy, seems liek the more i sleep, the more tired i am when i wake up. Oh well. I got to work, and well i do carts at a supermarket, not exciteing but its cash. Anyway the point is when i got in, nothing was done, their was less then 10 carts in the store for people to use, so i had to work non-stop for 2 hours just to catch up, then i had to do the recycle areas trash, but while i was playing catch up i acadently ran a load of carts into the sticker machine, which spun around and pounched a hole in the glass candy machine, my manager just shrugged and told me to put a peice of paper over it and tape it thare. I was petrafied at first becuse i thought ide be in trouble, but he just said that and acted as though it was nothing. On a down note, one of my faverite managers, Johnny, got promoted, this is good but it was to corperate, whcih means he is no longer in our store. Mentally im feeling ok, though still i tend to forget im male at a slowly increasing rate, and picture myself as female in my head more and more, when this first started happening, it scared me, but now ive just learned to go with it. Though somtimes it is a bit starteeling to see myself in the mirror. But thats become normal, other then that ive been able to keep my female side locked down and contained. And on an unrelated note, i diddent even think about my own death today, a mental best! Also i got Blazes gift today, so Blaze, or poet-man as i call him is bought for ^^. im going to miss him when he moves, he has become a part of my room, that when gone seems very starnge and a bit unsetteling. The guy can be very anoying at times and mentally reminds me of a vulcan. But hes cool and hes intoduced me to a really wonderful lady i call care-chan. Oh! And my forums coming back, very slowly but it is comming back so i may not have to send it to the flame like my last LJ. Well since im pretty sure im rambelling at this point, im gonna hit the post button. Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)